So I might not be ready to talk about this but I need to get it off my chest. I'll just start from the beginning.
So Dallas and I have been trying to get pregnant since January. We started 50mg of Clomid in March. I knew that we were starting too low, but since I have changed Doctors since I had Gabe, he wanted to monitor me from the beginning. So, 1st month on the 50mg.... not pregnant. In fact, I didn't even ovulate. I also don't start "sweet mother nature" on my own so I have to take Prevera (progesterone) to start me. Anyway, so my Doc put me on 100mg on my 2nd, 3rd, 4th time around. Not pregnant.... not ovulating. So September rolls around and we took the big jump to 150mg. I was so ready for that dose! Being on Clomid for 7 months straight takes a tole on you! So, we were very optimistic that the 150 would work. I remember feeling so crappy one day... which was the day I OVULATED!!! I was so happy to know that my body was finally making some progress! Then on October 15th, I took the test and it came back POSITIVE! I was 5 weeks pregnant! We were so excited! I told my whole family and it took everything in me not to tell everyone I know. I did tell a few of my close friends though. I HAD to. So, the month went by and I felt great. It surprised me because I was so sick with Gabe. I just considered myself very lucky... and maybe it was a girl since I was so sick with my boy. I was starting to get all the pregnancy signs. You women who have had children all know what those are. Bloated, hungry, tired... but the nausea never came. I was getting very excited because I found out that some close girlfriends of mine were also due around the same time as me. We would be able to raise our #2 babies together too. My Brother and sis in law were getting ready to pick up their kiddos from Ethiopia and that made me excited because our family was just getting bigger and bigger! Then on Friday, Nov. 11th, I started to bleed. It was after hours and I did not want to go to the ER so I called my Dr and he told me to take it easy over the weekend and to come in for an ultrasound on Monday morning. Well that weekend was horrible. I stayed down pretty much the whole time. I asked for Dallas and my dad to give me a blessing. That helped with my nerves. I was just so scared to know what was really going on.
Monday finally rolled around and we went in for the Ultrasound. We got to see the little baby's heartbeat. It was beating like crazy. The Dr said it had a really strong heartbeat. I took a huge sigh of relief. But I was still unsettled because I didn't know where the bleeding was coming from. The Dr said it was common for women to bleed this early in the pregnancy and it would probably just go away within the next few weeks. So, we went home with the little picture of our baby and a lot of comfort.
Tuesday rolls around and there is even more bleeding. I even passed a small clot that night. I was nervous and called the Dr. Wednesday morning. He told me to come in for another ultrasound. This time, they did a pretty extensive one. They took about 50 images, from the baby to my ovaries to everything else. The baby was fine and it's heart was beating strong! The Dr looked for a tear where any blood would be coming from but there was none. I told him that was crazy because I was bleeding a lot! Even though I could see the little heart beat on the screen, I didn't feel right. I knew there was something wrong, I just didn't know what. He told me to go home and rest and that if I start to bleed or clot, and if I start to cramp then I should come in.
So, I went home. Later that night, I started to cramp. My back started to hurt. My bleeding became really heavy. I started to clot. The pain was getting really bad and by that time, I knew what was happening. I just needed to let it take it's course. Around 12:30am, I miscarried. Almost immediately after, my cramping and backache had gone.
I went to the Dr the next day just so he could confirm what I already knew. I had to take a pill for the next few days to pass everything else.
And.... here I am. Not pregnant anymore. There are so many emotions I am feeling right now. I am sort of a mess. I miss not being pregnant and knowing that the baby was growing safe and sound. I miss the thought of having a new baby in the summer. Of Gabe being an older brother. What gender it would have been. What it would have looked like. I am just really sad. I am trying to be strong for my family but I know I need some time to heal. I know we will get pregnant again but right now I am missing the baby that I would have had. I know it will get better with time. I know that my Heavenly father is watching out for my family.
I don't know when we will start trying again. I have heard that a woman is pretty fertile after a miscarriage. I don't know, we will see.
