11.28.2011

Some Sad News

So I might not be ready to talk about this but I need to get it off my chest. I'll just start from the beginning.
So Dallas and I have been trying to get pregnant since January. We started 50mg of Clomid in March. I knew that we were starting too low, but since I have changed Doctors since I had Gabe, he wanted to monitor me from the beginning. So, 1st month on the 50mg.... not pregnant. In fact, I didn't even ovulate. I also don't start "sweet mother nature" on my own so I have to take Prevera (progesterone) to start me. Anyway, so my Doc put me on 100mg on my 2nd, 3rd, 4th time around. Not pregnant.... not ovulating. So September rolls around and we took the big jump to 150mg. I was so ready for that dose! Being on Clomid for 7 months straight takes a tole on you! So, we were very optimistic that the 150 would work. I remember feeling so crappy one day... which was the day I OVULATED!!! I was so happy to know that my body was finally making some progress! Then on October 15th, I took the test and it came back POSITIVE! I was 5 weeks pregnant! We were so excited! I told my whole family and it took everything in me not to tell everyone I know. I did tell a few of my close friends though. I HAD to. So, the month went by and I felt great. It surprised me because I was so sick with Gabe. I just considered myself very lucky... and maybe it was a girl since I was so sick with my boy. I was starting to get all the pregnancy signs. You women who have had children all know what those are. Bloated, hungry, tired... but the nausea never came. I was getting very excited because I found out that some close girlfriends of mine were also due around the same time as me. We would be able to raise our #2 babies together too. My Brother and sis in law were getting ready to pick up their kiddos from Ethiopia and that made me excited because our family was just getting bigger and bigger! Then on Friday, Nov. 11th, I started to bleed. It was after hours and I did not want to go to the ER so I called my Dr and he told me to take it easy over the weekend and to come in for an ultrasound on Monday morning. Well that weekend was horrible. I stayed down pretty much the whole time. I asked for Dallas and my dad to give me a blessing. That helped with my nerves. I was just so scared to know what was really going on.
Monday finally rolled around and we went in for the Ultrasound. We got to see the little baby's heartbeat. It was beating like crazy. The Dr said it had a really strong heartbeat. I took a huge sigh of relief. But I was still unsettled because I didn't know where the bleeding was coming from. The Dr said it was common for women to bleed this early in the pregnancy and it would probably just go away within the next few weeks. So, we went home with the little picture of our baby and a lot of comfort.
Tuesday rolls around and there is even more bleeding. I even passed a small clot that night. I was nervous and called the Dr. Wednesday morning. He told me to come in for another ultrasound. This time, they did a pretty extensive one. They took about 50 images, from the baby to my ovaries to everything else. The baby was fine and it's heart was beating strong! The Dr looked for a tear where any blood would be coming from but there was none. I told him that was crazy because I was bleeding a lot! Even though I could see the little heart beat on the screen, I didn't feel right. I knew there was something wrong, I just didn't know what. He told me to go home and rest and that if I start to bleed or clot, and if I start to cramp then I should come in.
So, I went home. Later that night, I started to cramp. My back started to hurt. My bleeding became really heavy. I started to clot. The pain was getting really bad and by that time, I knew what was happening. I just needed to let it take it's course. Around 12:30am, I miscarried.  Almost immediately after, my cramping and backache had gone. 
I went to the Dr the next day just so he could confirm what I already knew. I had to take a pill for the next few days to pass everything else.
And.... here I am. Not pregnant anymore. There are so many emotions I am feeling right now. I am sort of a mess. I miss not being pregnant and knowing that the baby was growing safe and sound. I miss the thought of having a new baby in the summer. Of Gabe being an older brother. What gender it would have been. What it would have looked like. I am just really sad. I am trying to be strong for my family but I know I need some time to heal. I know we will get pregnant again but right now I am missing the baby that I would have had. I know it will get better with time. I know that my Heavenly father is watching out for my family.
I don't know when we will start trying again. I have heard that a woman is pretty fertile after a miscarriage. I don't know, we will see.

11 comments:

chelsea and Jeremy said...

Angie, i love you and I cant imagine how this must feel. I hope you know i love you and am here if you want to talk i know you have a lot of people who care for you...

Tia said...

Angie, I'm just so sorry! My heart aches for you, I know this is just heartbreaking for you and your family. I'm sorry for your loss.

The Steeds said...

Angie,
I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and my heart goes out to you and Dallas. I am truly sorry for your loss and am praying for you.

Bailey Family said...

Ang, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. What a difficult thing to go through. I am thinking of you and I hope that you can find peace as you get through this challenge. My heart goes out to you and your cute family!

Lignell Family said...

Angie, so sorry to hear this sad news, its a blessing to know that baby picked you for however short of a time they were given on this earth, and that you will be with them forever. You now have your own personal gaurdian angel.

Michelle said...

Dear Angie, my heart is aching for you. In some way I understand what you might be feeling and I know how painful it can be. If you need to talk please call me, but I totally understand if you want your space. Just know that we love you guys and I'm thinking about you.

Jami West said...

I am so sorry Angie. This made me really sad to read. I am keeping you and your family in my prayers. I know sometimes that sounds like a line because everyone says it but I know from experience when friends pray for you it really brings comfort and it shows how loved you are. I hope you are doing okay.

Mike and Megan said...

Angie,
I'm sorry to hear this. I hope with time things will get better. It's hard to be so excited and have things not work out. You are awesome and optimistic and beautiful.

Holley and Luke Burbank said...

Angie, I am so sorry to hear about this! We are thinking about you and praying for you!

Devrie Pettit said...

Just doing a little blog stalking tonight! Im so sorry angie! I know things will work out for you! You are such a cute girl and your family is adorable! If you ever need anything let me know!

Melanie said...

I have a miscarriage post on my blog almost identical to this! It is so painful! I am sorry you had to go through this. I had to tell myself that if I didn't miscarry I wouldn't have the next child I was supposed to have. Now I have my sweet second boy and I am thankful for him and his spirit! It will happen for you as well!! I know this is a late post I hardly check my blog anymore, but I do understand how you feel and I did have a miscarriage and went through most of these same emotions! I just love you and you have such a beautiful awesome family that will only grow and get bigger!! Good luck!