Venting...

So this post is pure me feeling sorry for myself. I just need to get it out. If you have no interest in hearing my latest sob story, you might want to stop reading.

Lately I feel like I am completely different person. I mean there are times when I feel normal... but that is usually when I am playing with Gabe and I get to just focus on him. He is such an amazing little boy and i don't know what i would do without him. So when I say I feel like a different person and not myself as of late, it is purely because I am being pumped with an obnoxious amount of hormones and my body HATES it.

When we were trying to get pregnant with Gabe, I found out that I have PCOS (Poly cystic Ovarian Syndrome)... which is getting more common everyday. It runs through my family. All my sisters have it and both my older sisters struggled to get pregnant with most of their kids. I was pretty familiar with what it was before I even found out that I had it. All I knew, as i watched them try to get pregnant, was that I did NOT want to have it. So, after we found out I had PCOS, my doctor got me right on Clomid since my case of PCOS was pretty bad. There is no way for me to get pregnant without fertility help. Once I started the Clomid, I turned into a MONSTER. I HATE how it made me feel emotionally as well as physically. I was constantly agitated by Dallas and my body just felt horrible. But after 4 months of taking the clomid while "trying", we got pregnant. I got pregnant on the middle dose (100mg).

Well, we have been "trying" (I hate that word) for 8 months now. I know that doesn't seem long and it really isn't, but I am going on month 5 of my Clomid. Being on Clomid this time around is just the same as before only worse. I am moodier, more tired, more irritated, my body is in a lot of pain because of these darn cysts that are constantly bursting. I am just tired of it. On top of all of that, I haven't ovulated this WHOLE time. I started taking this Natural Progesterone Cream to increase the chance of ovulating but so far, it's a no go.

I am getting ready to start the highest dose of clomid (150 mg) next month and I am a little apprehensive. My sister Marni was on that dose when she got her twins. I am also worried how much worse it is going to make me feel. Don't get me wrong, I am SO grateful for modern medicine and for it to allow us a chance to bring little spirits into this world. But along with the medicine comes all the side effects. Some nights I just want to lay in bed and cry. I know there are more spirits waiting to come down to our family... why does it have to be so hard getting them here? I realize that I am sounding SO over emotional but those are my feelings. I am a little depressed about it all.

I am so grateful to be a mother to my Gabers. Dall and I love him with all our hearts. Watching him grow is the best thing. He surprises us everyday with something so neat. He and Dall are the ones that are making this easier for me. I have a wonderful family and amazing friends that have been a great support for me as well. Again, this was a total venting post... but it just feels good to get it off my chest. "It will happen when it happens."